Here’s how to conduct healthy confrontations

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This article was written by Qaqamba Falithenjwa.

Confrontations can be very awkward and uncomfortable, this is why most people choose to avoid them, for peace’s sake, they say. However, can there ever be peace if we were to suppress our feelings and not point out our unhappiness to people when there’s a need to?

According to the Understood publication, confrontation, often associated with negativity, can be a constructive way to overcome challenges in family, career, and personal life which is why they shouldn’t be avoided.  It is stated that the fear of confrontation can prevent face-to-face conversations and cause communication problems. “The key to ‘healthy’ confrontation is to be neither submissive nor aggressive, but rather assertive.”

The above source further mentions that assertiveness allows individuals to express their needs and opinions without hurting or offending others and that when confronting someone, maintaining a respectful tone is crucial.

Before confronting someone, Oprah.Com mentions that you need to first define the problem, separate practical issues from emotions, engage in self-witnessing, and identify patterns in past handling of similar situations. It is stated that you practice expressing the problem clearly and calmly without blaming the other person, and don’t throw in everything you’ve held in, as this will help you change your behaviour and improve your relationship with the person.

The Wonder Mind suggests that to conduct healthier confrontations you need to think through your ideal outcome and what you need, this can include acknowledgment, an apology, reassurance, or for them to listen to your side of the story. It is important that you lead with vulnerability by using ‘I’ statements to highlight how the situation impacts you, rather than casting judgment on the person or circumstances responsible, the publication adds.

“Whether it’s a one-time incident or a pattern of behaviour, be clear, specific, and try not to get off track rattling off multiple issues. If you do get sidetracked, Turner says they’re more likely to hear some variation of, ‘You can’t do anything right,’ or ‘I hate you.’ Assuming that’s not what you mean, this interpretation is not helpful at all.”

Practice expressing the problem clearly and calmly without blaming the other person, and don’t throw in everything you’ve held in for a year. This will help you change your behaviour and improve your relationship with the person.

This article first appeared on Bona.